I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
