During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
