I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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