I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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