my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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