If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
