he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
