Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
