Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I will die if light touches me.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
