I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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