My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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