My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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