he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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