i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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