Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Randomize
