sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
