ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
