I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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