i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
