you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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