Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
