There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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