yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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