okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
