I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
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