TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Randomize
