Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
