she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
