the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
