i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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