I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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