the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
