fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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