I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
