Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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