I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
