Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
