Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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