I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
