I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
tell me about the fingering
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