I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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