I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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