Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
