She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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