Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
where are my eyebrows?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
