I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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