i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
