She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
