I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
