There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
