When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize