like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I love you.
Bad choice
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
