Please don't use social media to get back at me.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize