Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
