Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
