I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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