My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
