omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
