I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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