you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
