What did we do last night that was yellow?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
