i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
