i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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